Opinion | This is why I hate elections, by would-be House speaker Jim Jordan

You see! Now you get it! Now you understand why I am so opposed to elections. Now you see why I was working so earnestly to undo the 2020 electoral results. Because voting is my nemesis.

Look what I have to show for my efforts to become speaker of the House of Representatives! Two rounds of voting, and I managed to get fewer votes the second time than the first! I don’t understand. My plan was flawless! Go on Fox News and yell!

I thought I had a clear pitch! “I have never passed any legislation, I want to burn everything down, and I am friends with Sean Hannity. Put me in charge, or someone will send you a series of weird texts!” Yet this has not been working! I also tried tweeting that it was time to put aside our differences and come together, but apparently nobody could read that sentiment from me without bursting into hysterical laughter.

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So you understand now what I was doing. Why I have made it my business to undermine our democratic institutions! You thought I was trying to overturn the results of the 2020 election for my health? Just because I love chaos and want to throttle any thriving institution until it perishes? No! I was doing it because voting does not work out for me.

Look, it is not that I am bad at building alliances and getting votes and counting them. Well, those things are true, but they are not the only problem. The main problem is that the current system requires you to be better at building alliances and getting votes and counting them than at YELLING (I love yelling), embracing conspiracy theories and having done something mysterious that prevents you from wearing jackets.

Yes, I have been called a “legislative terrorist,” and my beliefs are extremely fringe! Not in fun ways, like they would make a festive addition to a jacket (as previously mentioned, I hate jackets), but in consequential ways, like I long to shut down the government and favor a nationwide ban on abortion. Some have called me a conservative firebrand, which sounds so nice — like I am a stick that conserves things, and maybe I use cool rhetoric, as opposed to being an extremist who wants to see everything burn.

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Look, if we learn anything from my 2023 attempts to become speaker of the House, and Donald Trump’s 2020 efforts to remain president, it’s that elections are a bad method for putting me in charge of things. Obviously, we should be in charge. The simple fact that a majority of people do not want us to be in charge should not be allowed to stand in our way.

No, I’m not the problem. Voting is the problem.

After all, it is impossible to get a majority of votes! No one has ever done it. Technically I guess Kevin McCarthy has, and Nancy Pelosi, lots of times, and also Joe Biden, if we are talking electorally. But the only way to get Jim Jordan in charge of things, or Donald Trump, or any of our extremist allies, is if we stop with this whole so-called “majority rule” business.

So, please, we need to stop this. I don’t know how to get people to vote for me. Do you think I would be in Congress if it were not for a gerrymandering situation that must be seen to be believed? Do you really think that what people truly want is Jim “Has Never Drafted Legislation That Passed, Not Even Once In 16 Years” Jordan? Jim who votes against the farm bill every year, without fail? Jim who loves only to destroy? No way.

My only chance is if we get rid of these pesky votes.

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